,

The Hidden Desires That Lead To Unfaithfulness In Marriage

,
The Hidden Desires That Lead To Unfaithfulness In Marriage

There are many different factors that cause someone to become unfaithful in their marriage.  We’ve been helping couples in our private practice Marriage Solutions approaching 10 years at this point and have helped thousands of couples.  


We don’t just study what makes a healthy marriage and family…we’re in the trenches every day actively working it out with each couple one at a time.  


In this article we explore the deep hidden desires that cause someone to fall into infidelity.  The goal here is to help you heal, prevent this, or keep it from reoccurring again in your relationship.  

We dive really deep into healing couples in our marriage counseling practice.  But we don’t always have the time to explain what we can here on our blog in session because…well…we only have so much time.  

So in this post we’ll talk about…

  • The hidden desires that lead to an affair

  • The real lack of trust that leads to infidelity

  • How islands become unfaithful spouses

  • What’s the root of it all

  • Giving the best away

  • Giving what we don’t have

  • So what seeds are planted early on that leads someone to infidelity?

  • Why do Pursuers pick Islands?

  • Why do Islands pick Pursuers?

  • What is the solution?

,

Is Emotional Blindness Hereditary?

,
Is Emotional Blindness Hereditary?

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “If I go to my partner with this issue or concern they won’t handle it well?”  

I think we all have thought that at some point.  But what happens after that initial hesitation is what matters a lot.

How do you handle these tough situations?  Do you still go to them and weather the stormy conversation or do you hold back?  Why?  What are we afraid of happening?

How we answer this says a lot about us and our upbringing.  It also tells us a lot about what your children will do when they grow up too….

Were You Raised To Be Unfaithful?

Were You Raised To Be Unfaithful?

It’s not hard to believe that how we are raised greatly impacts our adult relationships.  But could our upbringing actually lead us to become unfaithful spouses?  

Research says yes it can.  How we are raised can cause us to be more likely to be unfaithful in our marriage.

If you ever wondered why your dad was so much harder on some boyfriends more than others…well this could be the reason!  Your upbringing says a lot about what kind of spouse you’ll be and if your marriage will be at risk for later betrayal.


Before we dive into these marriage counseling secrets….DISCLAIMER: please understand no person’s bad childhood is justification for extremely hurtful behaviors, like infidelity.  A person’s childhood doesn’t explain EVERY choice they make as an adult. 

We will unpack who is most likely to cheat, based on our decades of marriage counseling discoveries, and we discuss what you can do about it.  You’ll want to know if you or your spouse is at risk of being an unfaithful partner.


Spoiler Alert…

Two Practical Tips To Get Unstuck When Communicating With Your Partner

Two Practical Tips To Get Unstuck When Communicating With Your Partner

Today we discuss two practical tips for getting you out of the negative pattern. You might want to know "how do we get out of this negative cycle?’

I had a couple recently, who asked this same question. In typical therapy fashion, I like to give my opinion, however, I always like to defer to the spouse first because they usually have the best answer.

Now, this is somebody who has been betrayed, hurt deeply, and she said "you know, when I get hurt and I've got these ptsd symptoms that I'm working through, there are somethings I need you to do.  

Number one, I need….

, ,

When Your Spouse Filed For Divorce Because The Counselor Gave Bad Advice

, ,
When Your Spouse Filed For Divorce Because The Counselor Gave Bad Advice

Sometimes couples find themselves with the wrong help.  Someone who doesn't have their best interest at heart and doesn't know how to help them heal.  Sometimes even pastors are misguided and unhelpful.  Read our response to this podcast listener's question.

When Friendly Becomes Flirty And How To Protect Your Marriage From Potential Infidelity

When Friendly Becomes Flirty And How To Protect Your Marriage From Potential Infidelity

We all want to connect and feel wanted and desired especially by our partner.  It’s a basic human need.

We’ve talked with thousands of couples through out the years and as we meet with them on a daily basis we hear many consistent answers as to why happily married men flirt.

The biggest reason we hear is that they flirt because they want to know they’re still desirable.  Do they still have what it takes to excite and impress?

It’s not that they have a bad marriage.  It’s not even a fault in their

Questions to Ask When You've Discovered They Look At Porn

Questions to Ask When You've Discovered They Look At Porn

So you just found out that your spouse has viewed pornography.  Now what?

First, you will likely feel betrayed.  For many spouses when they just learn that their spouse has viewed or routinely views pornography in their past or present there is a sense of betrayal.

It feels like you’ve been lied to and maybe you don’t know your spouse like you thought you did.  For many it feels like an extra marital affair has taken place between your spouse and a stranger.  Even if that stranger is on a screen.

Because of this many times the person who has been betrayed...

Sexual Intimacy A Struggle?

Sexual Intimacy A Struggle?

If only it were as simple as putting on a sensual song and slipping into something “more comfortable” to feel “in the mood” as a woman.  

If you come to us for counseling you have learned all about emotional intimacy and have probably experienced a deepening of your relationship bond in a short amount of time.  But sometimes couples still struggle sexually.  

Sometimes it’s a biological struggle, sometimes its dietary, and yet sometimes it’s just simply a matter of preparing the mind for an encounter with our spouse.... 

New Parent Difficulties: A Case Study

New Parent Difficulties: A Case Study

When it comes to celebrity couples, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are one pair of Hollywood A-listers who have managed to keep the details of their relationship relatively private. Maintaining this level of confidentiality is no small feat given the celebrity status of the two.  After all, it's hard enough for us common folk to keep our private lives private. 

Nonetheless, when you're as famous as Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are, there will always be prying eyes and lenses whenever you go out and public. As a result, there are some things that you just can't keep secret for long, and recent photos of the couple together clearly show that Mendes is expecting the couple's second child...

How Infidelity Creeps Into Relationships: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

How Infidelity Creeps Into Relationships: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck were more than just a Hollywood power couple. They were also the type of couple that a lot of couples aspire to be. His teary-eyed, heartfelt acceptance speech at the Grammy's was enough to make many women swoon. It's difficult to not be impressed by a man who unabashedly thanks and weeps over his wife and children on live television. When news of the their impending separation hit, followed by rumors of infidelity hit, however, public opinion dramatically changed. What people forgot is that celebrity relationships are fraught with all of the same problems that regular relationships are fraught with, and more. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are real people and the basic problem in their relationship is a very common one....

,

Building Resilience Through Life Transitions

,
Building Resilience Through Life Transitions

Transitions in life can be so hard.  Brad and I are already talking about when we will have a second child.  I am already thinking about how my little Luke will feel about no longer being the baby.

Of course he will always be my baby…but the thought of him growing older and not being my little guy is a bit sad.  We also think about his emotional health a lot.  

We know how important it is for little guys and girls to be emotionally healthy because they take their emotional health or disfunction with them into their adult years.  Whether they are emotionally healthy or not it impacts every aspect of their lives....

Ever Feel Like Your Spouse Is Such A Baby?

Ever Feel Like Your Spouse Is Such A Baby?

You may have heard the saying "cradle to the grave" attached to physical intimacy.  While that is very true.  We don't always think of childlike temper tantrums as something acceptable in adult love relationships.  Instead we hear things like, "Your acting like a such a baby"....I think that has come out of all of our mouths at one time or another!

We think of childish tantrums as totally unacceptable, right?  No one thinks it's okay to scream in a grocery stores and strip naked in front of guests in our home....

3 Things To Look Out For When Preparing Your Relationship For Baby

3 Things To Look Out For When Preparing Your Relationship For Baby

When you bring your sweet baby home you will likely be met with challenges that are hard to prepare for.  Things like colic and any array of surprise health issues your baby comes home with can weigh heavy on any relationship.  

But many people don't consider how even the best relationship can be stretched and challenged.  Let's consider 5 Ways To Prepare so you and your sweetheart can thrive during what should be a very happy time....

,

The Pain of the Betrayed After an Affair

,
The Pain of the Betrayed After an Affair

What Past Clients Have Told Me

An affair can the most devastating person experience the betrayed spouse experiences in their lifetime. I’ve had people tell me they would rather go back to Iraq and be shot at than to experience their spouse’s betrayal again. I’ve had a woman say that her husbands affair was worse than her child passing away. Just because an affair is so devastating doesn’t mean a marriage can not be rebuilt. An affair can be put behind you if the trauma is properly dealt with.  

If the Involved spouse doesn’t really know how traumatic their actions have been for their injured spouse, that can serve as a severe hinderance to recovery. The involved spouse just won’t “get it” and fail to be a resource of support and compassion....

Healing Shame

Healing Shame

A common roadblock to rebuilding after an affair is the relentless emotion of shame in the betrayer. Most people are aware of how painful an affair is to the betrayed spouse, but few are aware of what it does to the spouse who had an affair. I’ll try to give a nice concise summary. Commonly the betrayer starts with guilt and a harsh critical voice of self-hatred. Many times betrayers refuse to think or discuss the affair because doing so brings up such strong feelings of disgust that is directed at themselves. They are in pain when discussing it because they do not want to see their injured spouse struggle with the devastation they caused and they don’t want to think of themselves as someone who could do something so inhuman. Once guilt has crossed the line into shame, spouses who had the affair commonly feel repairing the marriage is hopeless....

How Is Your Relationship’s Immune System?

Take the Quiz To Learn More…