So You Have Betrayed Your Spouse, Now What?
7 Steps to Separating From the Affair Partner
Here are the rules for separating from the affair partner:
1. Allow your spouse to participate in the severance. By allowing your spouse to have a say in how it is done will help your spouse find closure as well. Also, because the affair involved so much secrecy, this moment of truth is refreshing for them. Remember you and your spouse are a team.
2. Make it a clear, absolute, severance. There are a number of ways to separate from the affair partner that we will talk about but, however it is done, don’t let there be any question whatsoever that there is a glimmer of hope in the world that there could be anything between you again...
When Pursuing Your Spouse Can Push Them Away
Part Three: WATCH & WAIT
The 3 step process developed by Michele Weiner-Davis we have been talking about in the last 2 newsletters that outlines the importance of 1. Stopping the Chase, 2. Getting a Life, and 3. Waiting & Watching is not for everyone. It is important to clarify that this 3 step process can help you save your marriage from divorce IF:
How To Get Busy Getting Back To Life When Your Spouse Has Left You
Part Two: GET A LIFE
The 3 step process we talked about in the last newsletter 1. Stop the Chase, 2. Get a Life, and 3. Wait & Watch is going to save you from becoming a statistic. We talked about when your spouse is leaving or has already left and how most people pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead, and implore the other the stay when they are faced with this life altering moment. This is normal, however, so is divorce.
We all know the staggering statistics about divorce in Oklahoma and how we rank number one in the nation when it comes to divorce. In this newsletter we will talk more about stopping the chase and getting a life. Sticking to this process can make or break your marriage at this point so it is very important to stick with it even though it is hard and could be the hardest point in your entire life.
HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE BACK - Part One: STOP THE PURSUIT
Part One: STOP THE PURSUIT
If your spouse has told you in no uncertain terms that they are leaving, they’ve mentioned that separation is the best thing right now, they would like a divorce, maybe they’ve already filed for divorce, or maybe you sleep in separate rooms and have virtually no contact.
One of the first thing that likely runs through your mind is "oh no, is this the end?" The answer is "no" it's not over. You AND your relationship are not hopeless or helpless.
This technique we are going to talk about for the next couple of posts is known as the Last-Resort Technique and was coined by a lady named Michele Weiner-Davis. Here is the formula:
How To Make Divorce Easier on the Kids
5 Things To Remember When Considering Divorce
1. Set aside a time and place to tell your kids
After you have decided to divorce or separate, tell your kids before you act on it. Both of you should be present and plan what you will say to all of your kids at one time.
2. Prepare to answer your kids’ concerns
Children will have many questions about living arrangements, holidays, school, activities, new parents, pets, and friends. Know ahead of time what some of these questions might be and have your response ready. You can help ease your children’s anxiety by giving them answers to their questions.
3. Keep in touch with grandparents
Grandparents can offer your children a form of support and stability that has been proven to be a major factor in helping children cope with the effects of divorce. Keep grandparents in the loop and ask them for their help during this difficult time.
4. Have a comfortable space for kids in each of your homes
Have some familiar items in a bedroom in each home to offer kids comfort and security. Also, have a space for older kids to place their school books, athletic gear, or musical instruments.
5. Remember marriage counseling can help you avoid divorcing and help you rebuild your marriage.
Coping With Divorce Or Separation?
The way parents handle the stress of a divorce greatly influences their kid’s way of coping with it. Your child will be paying attention to how you cope with your divorce, so eat right and exercise, find a support group, and get counseling. You will be able to take better care of your child if you take better care of yourself....
4th Sign that Divorce is Near!
The fourth and final sign that the end is near in your marriage is STONEWALLING.
Note: The end is only near if there is no intervention like marriage counseling.
This simply means the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. Basically this means not giving cues that he or she is listening i.e. by looking at the side and not maintaining eye contact or crossing one's arms. This is very common in men.
Solution? Use PHYSIOLOGICAL SELF-SOOTHING, meaning learn to calm yourself down. Usually when someone is stonewalling their heart beat is close to 100 beats per minute. When your heart beat gets that high your adrenaline is pumping and you are in survival mode because you are being verbally beat up.
The key to self-soothing is to use relaxation techniques like deep breathing or tightening and relaxing muscles in your body. Marriage counseling can help your marriage.
Do You Have The 3rd Sign that Divorce is Near In Your Relationship?
This is sign to end all signs, this warning sign is so bad that marriage researchers just by spotting this warning sign can predict divorce with 94% accuracy. The end is only near if there is no intervention like marriage counseling.
The sign is CONTEMPT.
To be contemptuous is to put someone down, and to take a higher plan i.e. taking a higher moral ground. It's a position that says, "I am better, smarter, kinder/etc than you are." It can be accompanied by a belligerent attitude. When contempt is present in a relationship it is accompanied by a negative habit of mind where the wife scans the environment for her husbands mistakes rather than for what is positive or what she can appreciate. Now there is a cross-cultural universal facial expression of contempt: a lateral pull of the left lip corner to the side creating a dimple on the left side.
Solution?
Create a CULTURE OF APPRECIATION! Be thankful!
Key ways to do this is to communicate to your partner what you like and love about them on a regular basis. It is more meaningful when it is done unexpectedly and in small ways, but done everyday. Let them know you are thankful for: being with them, knowing them, and what they do for you. Remember marriage counseling can help you avoid divorcing and help you rebuild your marriage.
2nd Sign that Divorce is Near!
The next sign that you maybe in a troubled marriage is DEFENSIVENESS. The end is only near if there is no intervention like marriage counseling.
Defensiveness follows criticism in the dysfunctional pattern of marital communication. What causes someone to feel defensive in a marital discussion is being criticized by their partner. When someone is criticized they are not thinking about what role they had in creating a problem but they are naturally thinking about how they are right and the criticizer is wrong. So defensiveness actually results in the defensive partner to criticize to show how "right" they are. It creates more criticism and causes nothing to be resolved in your marriage.
Solution?
When you are criticized accepted responsibility for your part in the situation, even if it is a minor role. If you don't the cycle of criticism and defensiveness will play out in your marriage and cause you to grow apart. Marriage counseling can help your marriage.
