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Transcript:
(00:00):
Do you ever think about relationships? Do you ever look at the relationships around you, your parents, your siblings, your friends, coworkers, and wonder why do people quit loving each other? Have you ever thought about what makes a relationship stand the test of time? Have you ever wondered what makes love last? Those are all questions I've asked, virtually my whole life. And today I'm going to share with you the three biggest ahas that I've made, that I've been totally shocked by. In the 1960s, my parents got married. My dad was a Green Beret and the Special Forces. He blew up stuff for the US Government. He was a man's man. In fact, when we would go fishing, sometimes he would cheat. He would fish with dynamite and he would quiz us kids on where we'd place the C-4s and the explosives on the bridges to help them explode, collapse.
(01:10):
My mom was somebody with a heart of gold and had movie star good looks and an academic scholarship to college. My parents got married, had successful businesses, and four kids that they absolutely adored and treasured. 19 years after their marriage began, it was over. I was four years old and didn't have a clue as to why. All I knew and all I saw was that they never fought, they hugged and kissed, and they were great to us kids. And so when I found out they were divorcing, that was the first time I even heard the word divorce. And that was the first time I ever asked, "Why do people quit, loving each other? What makes love last?" And that quest to get those questions answered, that's what led me into my career as a relationship therapist, and today I've worked with couples from all over the world and I have a weird niche expertise and a fair recovery, helping people heal broken trust.
(02:09):
The first thing I discovered is that the couples who have a love that lasts actually have a lot of problems, a lot like you and I. They actually have parents that get old, they get sick, sometimes they lose loved ones. They experienced job loss, they experienced failure, they experienced bankruptcy. They have children, they have sleepless nights because of those children. They're a lot like you and I. But one of the things that they do that makes her love last, is they work together, because they know that stress brings out the cracks in our relationship. Stress sometimes hurts us. But instead of turning against each other, they turn towards each other, they work as a team together, they help each other out. And that's the second thing I discovered is that these couples that have a love that lasts, they go through hell and back. But what they have is they operate as a lighthouse and as a harbor for each other. And when we operate as a lighthouse, we're there emotionally supporting. When we're a harbor where they're emotionally supporting as well.
(03:11):
They instinctively know that, during the storms and seas of life, in these trials of life, there are monsters that lurk at the bottom of the ocean. There are pirates out there, there are a huge waves out there, there are hurricanes that happen, and so they're there for each other emotionally. And as a lighthouse, what they do is they shine their light bright and say, "I'm here for you. I'm here for you. When you're ready to come in, I've got dry clothes, warm blankets, hot cocoa, and I'm ready to hear your story. I'm here to support you. I'm here to give you whatever you need, because I know it's dark out there. I'm shining my light bright for you. I know it's hard out there. I'm here for you. You matter to me.”
(03:52):
And as a Harbor, it's similar, but a little bit different function. They help, because the next day you got to get back out there and go again and fight the pirates and fight the monsters and face the storms. They're supportive, "I'm going to give you what you need, I'm going to encourage you, I'm going to be that cheerleader, I'm going to give you what you need. So I'm going to give you the harpoons that you need, I'm going to give you the cannon balls that you need. I am going to support you in any way that I can." And so they operate as a lighthouse and they operate as a harbor for each other. And the end result of that is that people feel safe, people feel secure, people feel like they matter, people feel like they're wanted.
(04:33):
As I was beginning my private practice, it was very difficult. I wasn't a very good therapist starting out in private practice. I'd been a therapist for a while, but I hadn't really worked on my own. I really wasn't any good at working with couples. So half of my couples quit after the third session, and this went on literally for something like six months and I wasn't making any money, and I did not feel good about myself, and I had the worst depression of my life. I was so depressed I couldn't even string two thoughts together. I knew what I needed to do to get to of the depression, but like everybody who's depressed, I lack the motivation to do anything about it. I remember going to a TV interview driving there and I'm thinking to myself, "Dear God, please help me. I don't think I'm going to get through this. I'm going to embarrass myself and make a fool of myself.
(05:23):
And I wanted to quit every day. But I would come home, share this with my wife, and instead of finding criticism and finding the usual complaints of, "Brad, we're living in credit card debt now because of you, we were living off of credit cards because of what you've done, where I've given up my dreams to support you. I can't do what I want to do because now that we're doing your deal." I didn't hear any of that. In fact, what I heard was support. "Brad, this is your dream. You can do this. This is what you want. You've wanted to do this for a long time, let's do this, let's stick out, don't give up yet, let's just stick it out.”
(05:59):
I heard encouragement. I had a cheerleader in my corner, I had a lighthouse, I had a harbor. I had somebody I could come home to who had hot cocoa ready for me. Warm blanket, dry clothes, ready for me. My wife let me know I mattered. Unfortunately, the people I usually see in my office, they go through a similar experience because we all go through the same problems. And instead of finding that harbor and that lighthouse, what they find is somebody who's critical, somebody who's dismissive, somebody who's rejecting, somebody who says, "Yeah, we're in trouble because of you because you had to go pursue this foolish dream. And now I can't be happy and I can't do what I want.”
(06:42):
I didn't hear any of that. But when we do hear that, what it causes us to do is it causes us to put our walls up emotionally. It causes us to feel like I can't depend on you emotionally, I don't matter, I'm not important. And that's what every fight is ultimately about is we fight because we don't feel like we matter. We fight because we don't feel like we're valuable. We fight because we don't trust that we can get our needs met with our spouse. And that's where I see everybody in my office is, "I don't feel like I matter. I went through hell and back. I woke up from surgery and you weren't there to support me. My parents died, but you told me to get over it. You didn't nurture me. You didn't help me grieve." And then when people talk about having communication problems, what they're really talking about is, not that they have communication problems, it's "I don't feel like I'm valuable to you.”
(07:35):
Because what studies have shown is that we can communicate naturally, we can communicate effortlessly when we feel secure, when we feel relaxed, when we feel like somebody really loves us and we feel safe in our exchange, we have no problems communicating. But when we have that, then we know we're valuable.
(07:53):
And then the third thing is because they have these problems and because I'm there for you emotionally, and I experienced you being there for me emotionally, I have the benefit of the doubt towards you. I believe that I really matter to you. I believe that I'm very valuable to you. And so I'm able to overlook some stuff. If you're 30 minutes late, I don't assume you're having an affair. I assume traffic was bad. I assumed you had a lot of work going on. I trust you because you're there for me. You're loving and attentive towards me in the middle of my crisis.
(08:25):
The everyday stuff matters, ultimately. Obviously the everyday stuff matters, but the big stuff is usually what lands people in my office. Sometimes it's six years before, sometimes it's six months before, and sometimes it's current. But if we can be there and those big ways and show each other that we care for each other, we'll have that benefit of the doubt because when we have that benefit of the doubt, I know I matter, I know I'm important, I know I'm valuable to you. And that's what ultimately helps us to repair these arguments and disagreements is that feeling of, I matter, I'm valuable.
(08:59):
And we'll leave you with a final thought on the way, preparing to come here. I was going to be away from my family for a little bit. And I decided I needed to spend some time with my kids. I have a four year old myself and we went out to dinner. And as I was talking to the waitress, I noticed he was repeating everything I was saying. And he was saying it exactly how I was saying it. He was watching everything I was doing. That made a huge impression on me because who he's going to become as a human being is within the context of who I am as a parent.
(09:40):
His understanding of what it means to be a husband, a man, a good citizen, is all within the context of who I am. Obviously my son has watched me before. I just never heard him actually repeat everything I was saying out loud. Our children are watching us. And the final thought I want to leave you with is this, what kind of relationships would they have if they loved the same way that you love, they gave the same way that you give. What kind of relationships would they have? Would they have a love that quits or they have a relationship that stands the test of time or where they have a love that lasts. Thank you.